Friday, December 14, 2007

God Have Mercy

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Wow, can I relate to that! How many times have I tried just one more time, punched the same button just once more, tried to make just one more attempt? Too many times to count.

Praying for my daughter is like that. Just one more time. Just one more prayer. I don’t ask God for anything anymore. I tell God that all her needs are known far better by God than by me. I only want her to be happy, to be healthy. She is about to be 31 and still…still…I read where Lindsay Lohan said that “it was time to grow up.” God have mercy…

God have mercy in this waiting time. How can one grow up when one can't even get up? Anyone who has ever tossed aside a child because he or she was gay or lesbian, may God have mercy on their sorry selfish misguided selves. If one of them was standing in front of me right now, I think I would slap him or her. They should fall down on their knees, throw themselves prostrate on the floor and give thanks to God for a healthy, loving child.

I would give almost anything for mine to tell me she was lesbian. Instead, we play the games…she calls…I say hi and how are you, waiting to be told piece by piece what the dilemma is this week. I wait to see how she justifies, how she tries to make it sound as though she has a right to be thinking whatever it is that she is thinking. God have mercy on her tormented soul.

She isn’t a drug addict – she suffers from depression. She self medicates…with whatever is available. Same difference. The major problem with mental illness is that she starts to think she is ok. She may go long periods with no major problems. Then, something…hits her…and there is always something to hit her. No car, no money, no home, no place for her to be able to have her little ones visit, or maybe someone just woke her up too early…Then, it is crisis time. She seeks help and gets a promise of it…later. Later comes and wow, she is feeling fine. So, no need to get help, right?

One of these days, maybe she will write a book. I think that it could be a very long book.

The difference between me punching the same old button and saying the same old prayer…I know that saying the same old prayer works. I don't always know how or when, but I do know it works. God have mercy if I wasn’t praying…

God have mercy on my daughter…the little girl that I anxiously awaited and anticipated 31 Advents ago. It took many years for me to let go of my dreams for her, to realize that those dreams were all about me. Now, it is all about her…all about her own little girl and little boy…and of course, Tucker. Knowing that I can do nothing, I have no control, I cannot fix anything – not for her, not for her daughter or her sons, so I love them…and I pray.

May God have mercy on all people who suffer from mental illness…and all who love them…May all of us who do love them continue to do the same thing over and over again…all the while expecting miracles.

Pray for the homeless tonight as the weather worsens in so much of the midwest and east. So many suffer from mental illness. God have mercy...

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