My mom, my friend, my first love, my mentor, my shero died. Memories
are all that is left. I cannot call her; I cannot hear her voice. I cannot call
her to tell her something funny or something sad; something great or something
bad. And who…who will IM me during Cardinal baseball games or tell me when TCU
is playing? I am not sure how someone so ALIVE could pass from this life. She
was not old. She was ok with dying; she was just not tired of living.
Even while recognizing the smallness of my imagination, I am
overwhelmed by the death of life as I understand it. Even in my understanding
that death is a natural part of life and belief that she is “in a better place”
my heart is broken, feeling almost beyond repair.
Yet I know it will mend. The anger will lose its edge and
eventually subside. While the missing her will never go away, I do know that it
will become less urgent. Even now in the midst of all the raw emotions, I feel
the change. I am altered forever. A vital piece of me is gone, evaporated,
poof, leaving behind a gaping hole that demands to be filled. That hole…and
what fills it…will be a legacy to my momma.
God is good all the time even when I have a few harsh words
to say about it all. And I am thankful.
I look around at so many surrounding me and I know the ones
who have what I had…and I recognize the ones who don’t. The empathy that comes
from those who have experienced the same tearing pain is palpable and acts as a
balm.
That gaping hole demands attention. It must be filled.
It was with that understanding that I read Presiding Bishop
Katharine Jefferts Schori’s Advent message:
What is it you wait for this year? Is it an
opportunity to meet the surprising around you? Is it an opportunity to reflect
on what is most needed in your heart and in the world around you? How are you
going to wait for that gift? Are you going to wait actively? Engaged? Honing
your desire? Stoking the passion within you for that dream? Are you going to
wait for a dream that will bless the whole world?
I want to meet the surprising. I know it is all around me. I
don’t want to get caught up in the tedious minutia that controls the few
moments left to me. I want to actively wait to be engaged in those things most
needed by my heart and in the world around me. I want my desire honed and my
passion stoked.
I want to be a part of something that blesses the whole
world.
I cannot lose this sharp edge of pain. I do not want to once
again accept complacency as a norm. My heart burns with the fire of change and
my head has to be aware of all the precious moments lost.
My precious son, my beloved Deb, the bonds that were made
between myself, my sister and my daughter as our hearts wept bitter tears…my
knowing that even as I turned into the pain rather than to God that God was
with me always and only stroked my turned back….these are the world around me.
My discernment, my future in the church, my writing – these are
my passions and a vital part of my dream.
These things I turn toward. These things will be my legacy
to my momma, my friend, my first love, my mentor, my shero.
http://episcopaldigitalnetwork.com/ens/2012/11/28/presiding-bishop-on-advent-what-is-it-that-you-are-most-waiting-for/
