For what it is worth, after two months of intense pain and a 35+ pound weight loss, I was diagnosed with cancer in February 2025 -- there is a tumor in the transverse colon that has spread to my liver. Obvious the liver is still working even as it has lesions throughout it. Regardless, it is cancer. It is life changing -- in some ways good, in other ways far less than good.
I have wanted to write about all that is going on. I have
wanted to describe all the feelings going through me, including the exhaustion
that robs me of a will to do anything other than sit. I have wanted to share
the insights, the way the prayers, the love, the healing that happens when we
pray for one another. It is really much more difficult that simply sitting down
and beginning. It’s worse than any other writer’s block I have had. It feels as if the connection between my brain and my will has been broken.
So, I thought I would just start typing.
One of the things that the medical staff always asks is 1)
is there any pain and 2) have I had any thoughts of hurting myself.
Since I began chemo – 12 infusions and 6 months ago – there has
been little pain. The before pain was a total disruption of my being. Not only
the cancer but an ulcer caused a great deal of pain which I say was at least an
8 on the pain scale. Yet, since chemo began, there is only occasional sporadic
hit-me-and -go type of pain. It is far lower on the pain scale and because it is
periodic, I say no, just discomfort when asked what I am feeling.
Word doesn’t like me using “the” before the word cancer yet
it isn’t just Cancer. It is THE cancer that has invaded my body. THE cancer
that causes me to need chemo. THE cancer that causes the need for chemo for my
body to be poisoned to be rid of THE cancer. It is THE cancer that keeps me
from being able to be in community and to miss special events. It is very personal.
While I have had several thoughts when I feel so badly at
times that I wonder how much longer I can continue, or I wonder how I can live
with this, there are no thoughts of harming myself. None whatsoever. I am
angry, frustrated, irritated, and I say Fuck a lot. I cannot do so many things
I did before. I cannot work with my knives on wood. I cannot open simple
bottles. I can’t touch anything cold for at least a week after chemo. I can’t
even open the damn casement windows in our house to let in soft breezes and
cool air. It is a damnable place to be. Did I mention the almost constant nausea? And the blood clot so now I am on Eloquis?????
I know that this may be a lifetime treatment.
Yet.
I know the chemo has stabilized the cancer, so it is no
longer growing. I know that in October, we will discuss a different treatment.
I know that millions, gazillions of prayers surround me and hold me, especially
on the darkest of days. I feel them. I know. I know that I am loved. I know
from seeing people at the Sindelar Cancer Center that there are many people who
are going through much worse.
So, here is a beginning. Maybe I will have the whatevers needed
to write more later. Maybe this will unleash the flowing waters that will wash
away so much dis-ease. I live in Hope.
