Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Sooner rather than later


It’s been so long since I blogged that I am not sure how to begin. It’s not writer’s block…it’s just that there is so much, so many things. It is all smushed up in my head – I think my brain is constipated.

For one, I have a new job that is very demanding time-wise. Not only time intense but taxing. It wears me out so that I am just numb when I get home. Plus, I write better in the morning and I like to use that early morning for reading...when I can get my lazy butt up out of the bed in time.

In addition, a teenager in the house. Good God…help us. Have I said before that I am too old for this? Well, I am too old for this. Too damn old.

I could write about birth control, unjust war, taxes, self-indulgent misogynistic politicians and others but, good grief, I am so tired of having to hear them all much less invite them into my head. They make my stomach hurt and my eyes bulge. I am even tired of all the funny people who ridicule them. To laugh at something so hateful is, I am sure, cathartic, but it is terribly sick and pathetic. I suppose that we laugh so as not to cry…or scream…or something far worse.

I admire the work that has been done and is being done for LGBT people everywhere. I especially admire the Growing American Youth group here in St. Louis. But Lord have mercy…when will people stop worrying about this stuff? And if the answer is never…well, I am already a little down so please tell me soon rather than never.

And then there is the CHURCH. I use all capitals rather than one or none because…well, just because I want to. That is what it is to me right now…CHURCH. It is a big deal but not necessarily a good big deal. I suppose I am just trying to find a place for me within it. And I am kind of tired of trying to do that also. I have not been rejected but it is certainly difficult to get off of the damn sidelines. And I have to say, I am VERY tired of that.

I think Lindy may have the right idea. Do something good far away from what and who you know. It's harder now, though...that teenager is no longer home-schoolable...at least not by me.

And all of this is miniscule when compared to the wondering of why I left it all– family, home, grandkids – especially grandkids who are entering into adolescence and have great need of grandma love and hugs and grandbaby I haven't even yet seen – to come to this, this unknown, this unknowing, this pretense.

See? This is why I have not written. It all sounds like a Whine Blog – I would much rather be blogging about an awesome wine we drank the other evening – a Chevalier de Bayard – oh my gosh – it was so beautiful. What a luxury to taste something like that. What a privilege.

Ok, so maybe I need to blog to just let all this crap out. A brain cleansing, if I may.

So this is a new beginning. Perhaps it will loosen the crammed in, held tight anxieties that have kept me from the written word.

We will see.

Meanwhile, Mark…this one’s for you. J